I’ve been wanting to write about this. For a couple months now. Years, if I’m honest. I’ve been afraid I suppose. Felt as if it were too personal to share. Going a little too deep. Exposing a little too much. Even for me. But I’m a coward if I stay quiet. And most of all. Saying, “it’s acceptable,” if I do. Because the truth that is to come. The story I am about to share. It’s not acceptable. Not one bit.
Y’all. I’m struggling. Well. Not currently. It’s the first day of my winter break. But yesterday. Straight struggling. And I can blame it on a lot of things. Marge’s hand surgery last month. One that required 24-hour care that littlest sister and I shared. For over a week. Or post-Thanksgiving shopping which lasted a good three days. Or a work conference the week after. Which meant a two-day work week. Two weeks in a row. Must be nice, you say. Um, no. This is not a exactly a good thing in my new position at work. Not one bit. I could blame it on birthday parties. Christmas parties. Overspending. Wrapping presents. UPS’s inability to deliver a package on time. Or my lack of sleep lately. But I won’t. The sad truth. My struggle. What’s really eating me alive. The Christmas tree, y’all. I can’t. Just cannot. The tree is my issue. There are lights on it. And they are not white. They are multi-colored.
I love dreaming. At night. In the morning. At my desk. In the shower. Driving down the road. While sitting on hold with insurance companies. I have no prejudice to topic. Or situations. Places. People. Or life. You could say I live in a perpetual state of dream. Fascination. Imagination. It’s true. I imagine what could be. Where could be. Who could be. How could be. And dreams are good. Amazing even. I live for them. Pray for them. Hope for them. They provide something to look forward to. Something to strive for. Something to realize. Something to leave you in wonder. I like being in wonder. Until the wonder is crushed. Or the dream becomes a stronghold. Until suddenly you cannot let go.
I lost a 37-year old pine tree in Irma. Yes. I counted her rings. Quite honestly. I was glad to see her go. I was tired of watching her slowly suffocate. From the potato vine that was creeping up her trunk. With her sap dripping on my patio furniture. She could have fallen a multitude of ways. Hit at least three homes in her wake. But she didn’t. God chose a different path for her. Fences. Two of them. One that revealed a neighbor’s backyard. One I’d never seen. People I’d never met. The hole in the fence revealed a new life. You’d think it would be awkward meeting your neighbors for the first time. Standing on a log. Just hours after Irma made her departure. But it wasn’t. It actually was perfectly normal. Wonderful even. I’m quite grateful for that tree. The one I was happy to see go. As for Irma. I’m grateful that’s all she took.
Y’all! Tomorrow is the big day. The adventure begins. Time to start my new life. The one where I go to work. In a new position. With new coworkers. And a new curriculum that I’m absolutely. Positively. Crazy about. In my home office. Surrounded by all my favorite things. Where I take my girl to school. Just twice per week this year. Thanks to the best invention of all time. Carpool. Where I have to start planning dinners. Packing lunches. Setting alarms to remind me to give Oscar his breaks. All while keeping the house in order. And my plants alive. Doing laundry. And dishes. Floors. Sheets. And bathrooms. And bills. You know the routine. Continue reading “The Big Day”
Y’all. I’ve been doing a lot of counting lately. Hours of sleep my girl might get. If she’ll sleep until 10. Which she never does. Even though she’s stayed up way past her bedtime. And mine. Again. I’ve also been counting how many episodes I have left in my show. Chapters I have left in my book. The next five books I want to read. And shows I want to watch. How many insurance appeals I have to write. Pills I have to take. Purses I have to list on eBay. Because Marge and I have now have a market on eBay. And she has a lot of purses. And shoes. I’ve also been counting down the days until Oscar gets 15 more minutes of freedom. Because really. He’s the one who needs the break. Let’s just be honest. And then suddenly. Without even realizing it. I’ve started to panic. Because this week. In just a few days. I’m down to 19 hours closed. And holy shit. Have I even been listening at all? Shouldn’t I be wiser. Or stronger. Or less panicky. Or more like Jesus. Or something. This played out so differently in my head five months ago. Shouldn’t I be enlightened by now. But then I remember. This whole thing. This whole jacked up jaw mess. It all started because I was trying to be something more. Someone I wasn’t. Trying to be like the girl I envied in middle school. Trying to be anyone but me.
Y’all. My heart skipped a beat today. In line at Kohls. And listen when I tell you. It skipped a whole flippin’ beat. And took me completely off guard. Handsome does not begin to describe what I encountered. Or really. Doesn’t even matter. He was in line with his mother. I think. Talking about his shopping woes at Walmart. How he’s disappointed in the produce. Y’all. He shops for produce. He eats produce. Wants good produce. And shops with his mother. Continue reading “Not Now”